Presence, not presents: What we’re really searching for when we spend
Peter McGahan
Monday 22nd December, 2025.
FOR many of us, this was a year in which we lost people dear to us. The finality of that is haunting.
I was once asked by a film friend, if I could have one thing, what would it be. The answer was simply to touch my late mother’s face because it was so soft, and I lost her so early. You’ll all have the similar feeling somewhere, and oh, if we could bottle that feeling we get at a funeral when we think, ‘nothing is really a problem, I wish I could have that person back again’.
My daughters don’t remember a thing my mum bought them, but they remember the games they played, the stuff they did.
As the festive season approaches, we like to believe our spending is practical: “They’ll love this,” or “I found something just right.” Yet, much of the spending we do at Christmas is driven less by logic and more by emotion. We can use money and gifts as a form of emotional currency: to feel close, to feel needed, generous, to avoid guilt, to raise our self‑worth, or to signal care in a way that protects us from real vulnerability.
In psychological‑framework language, the model known as the ‘Human Givens’ highlights how emotional needs such as attention, intimacy, status and meaning must be met in balance. When these needs go unmet, we may unconsciously try to fill the gap in unhealthy ways, and retail therapy becomes a socially acceptable method of coping.
People rarely remember the price tag. What they feel is the attentiveness, the sense that you see them, you hear them, you value them. People don’t remember what you bought them 10 years ago. But they’ll remember the Christmas Eve you sat quietly, listened, let your guard down and noticed them.
Maybe spending time just watching each other breathing - that miracle.
The emotional need for attention is reciprocal. We need to both give and receive it. In modern life, attention can be fragmented.
‘Attachment theory’ explains that secure relationships are built not on material offerings but on consistency, emotional availability, attunement – the simple fact of showing up. And the so‑called ‘social baseline theory’ suggests we are wired to regulate emotion through closeness to others, not through the accumulation of stuff.
And so, brands are very good at this. They dominate our screens with messages like: 'Make this Christmas magical', or 'Show them you care' or 'Only the best for your loved ones'. These lines activate emotional triggers, especially in those whose deeper emotional needs aren’t being met consistently year‑round. Switch them off.
The underlying problem is simple: we’re sold the idea that love or self‑worth can be expressed through money. But that trains children to associate love with things, not time.
That, is not a good thing.
Emotional needs cannot be met sustainably through consumption. They require connection, meaningful communication, and safe environments.
When we use money to avoid feelings, we get the short‑term hit of dopamine (that “gift bought” rush) but very often a longer‑term dose of regret, stress or shame. It creates a loop of emotional dysregulation followed by more spending in search of relief.
When Christmas ends, some of us wake up in January with anxiety, financial stress, or relationship strain. We shift values from presence and simplicity to performance and comparison.
The good news. We don’t need to stop giving. But we do need to shift what we give.
Ask yourself: What does meaningful attention look like for the recipient of the present? How can I show up emotionally, not just financially? What shared experience or memory could I create instead?
Make laughter; create a day a month to cook together or cooking theme nights, walk, mentor, watch a movie, or just agree to hand write to each other. You’ll keep the letters, not the presents.
Think back to older generations. Many had little in the way of money, yet what we remember from them isn’t the objects but the stories, the time, the way they were with us. They passed down traditions, not trends. Letters, not luxury.
When both my parents were passing, I sat with them for a long time. No-one who came to visit them ever talked about presents. They talked of memories.
This Christmas period, maybe make a different experiment: give attention not just objects. Give time, give presence, give memories. Because yes, the best present is being fully present. Spending money is easy. Being present is brave.
In the brutal clanging noise of consumerism, presence is a radical act. If you have a financial question, please call 01872 222422 or email info@wwfp.net
Peter McGahan is the Chief Executive Officer of Independent Financial Adviser firm, Worldwide Financial Planning. Worldwide Financial Planning is authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority.
